I struggle with Depression. I give it a capitol D because we are on a first name basis, he and I. I know him so well. And he’s a total asshole. He never makes me feel good about myself, he stops by uninvited, he likes to jump out of nowhere and scare me….he’s a real party pooper. A Debbie Downer. It’s like being in the worst relationship ever. And it feels like you’re being crushed. Gravity has increased and putting one foot in front of another is almost impossible.

I’ve struggled with Depression since my mid-twenties. Some bouts are harder than others. They can be frequent or infrequent, last a few days, a week, weeks, months…..and I would bet you know at least one person in your life that struggles with him too.  I decided to come out of the Depression Closet last year for everyone to see me in my not so shining glory. My family knew but didn’t really know ….if you know what I mean. You can know someone deals with Depression without….knowing. It’s a terribly hard thing to come to terms with and it took me several years to not only accept it but deal with it. I’m not ashamed of it; it’s not something I can turn on and off. I certainly didn’t choose to be this way.

Depression probably isn’t how you think it is. For many people (myself included) it usually consists of things like: lethargy, sadness (that comes out of nowhere and never really goes away….it’s quite hard to deal with), isolation (I still struggle with this one and literally have to make myself get out of the house), lack of interest (that is a hard one for me because this part of Depression wraps his dirty little paws around all aspects of your life. The things you enjoy you don’t really enjoy anymore – music, books, tv, other people…..), self-doubt. I’m telling you that there are days where it is all I can do to get up and out of bed. I could lay there all day staring out the window. But I don’t. I get up, wash my face, get dressed, and go to work. That’s what grown-ups do. Unfortunately not everyone can do that. Here is the real kicker! Depression is like a ninja – he comes out of nowhere! One minute you’re walking down the street…..the next, Depression has jumped out of
the shadows and knocked you down, flat on your ass. All you can think of is...where did that come from???

Back to my Depression Closet. I didn’t talk about it to anyone other than my closest friend who, incidentally, was the one who diagnosed me. I kept it hidden, in the back of the Closet for several years. The price you pay for that is the isolation. There would be months of no return phone calls or visits to friends and family. It was just too hard to pick up the phone; almost painful to have to actually speak to another living person. It was just too much trouble to pretend.

Ah, the pretending! Now we’re getting to the good part. Those of you who also suffer from Depression know exactly what I’m talking about. Winding yourself up each day, pretending like nothing is wrong. Pretend-smiling, pretend-interest, pretend-interaction. It’s exhausting. I don’t think I can actually begin to explain just how exhausting that actually is. By the end of the day it’s all you can do to crawl into yourself and hermit yourself away from the demands of the world outside.

I can tell you this….like any other illness it helps to talk about it. I would look at everyone in my life and think, Why am I the only one who’s fucked up here? Why can’t I just be “normal”? What is wrong with me that I can’t get it together?”  Turns out….it’s not just me. Once I said something about it I got response after response of people reaching out to me to tell me that they, too, struggle with Depression. I’m not alone. What a revelation! I’m not alone! Wanna know what else I figured out? This is the dirty little secret no one else wants to talk about……everyone is fucked up. How great is that!? I can wrap my head around my issues with Depression. He and I know how to dance. I’m grateful for everyone who has never had to deal with it – believe me when I say that. Brian, for as much as he loves me, doesn’t understand. I don’t want him to understand; because if he did, he would have had to deal with Depression himself. Brian accepts it, loves me with and without it, and makes the appropriate accommodations for me when I get down. He has gotten to a point where he can tell and is the first one who offers a smile, a hug, to do extra chores, anything that would help me not feel so…..crushed.  I am so very grateful to him for standing by me – he doesn’t judge. He is patient and kind and that is exactly what I need.

I can say that I’m grateful it’s just Depression (although there is anxiety to go with it but I have learned to control it…for the most part.) It could have been worse. I could have been delt the Schizophrenia card. Everyone has something. There is something wrong with everyone. I promise you this – you have to trust me. Control issues, willpower issues, addicts and closet addicts, co-dependence, anxiety, schizophrenia, ego issues, BDD (body dismorphic disorder), anorexia, bulimia, self-esteem issues, ADD…..seriously y’all there isn’t a single person out there who has it all together. When I started taking a really hard look at everyone I know, I saw it! (working for a shrink for almost 5 years certainly helped…she was brilliant and there was not a single patient who came through her door that she could not help) I saw them for who they are. People. Just people. People making it through the day, making it through life doing the best that they can.

So why don’t you do something about it? Thanks, smartass, I have. I’ve tried diet changes and exercise (they help but sometimes Depression just sticks around). I tried holistic remedies (also good for mild symptoms but not for me). Therapy. (Don’t get me started.) And finally, medication. I went through….3 before I found one that worked for me. It. Changed. My. Life. So….why aren’t you taking it? Because it’s also expensive as shit! That’s why, thank you very much. Without a generic most medications are expensive. I’m waiting on this “affordable” health insurance and I’ll get right back on it. So is life.

To everyone out there who suffers silently – you don’t have to. The first step is the hardest. There are people you can talk to who feel less like talking about it than you do but they do anyway, trust me on this one. I refuse to define myself by my Depression. I don’t make excuses for it, I don’t apologize for it, and I don’t use it as an excuse. If I’m not feeling well or not up to something I’ve learned how TO SAY NO. To myself and to others. So don’t feel so bad for feeling bad……we’re all mad here.